just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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