Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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