now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
pop tarts are not kleenex
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
