I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
