I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
