Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
if only i could text you this smell
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
