I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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