remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
