you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Just pee around me
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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