I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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