Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
