I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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