roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
