someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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