Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
