There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
