Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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