i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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