so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Found your dick twin last night
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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