my phone needs a breathalizer
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
