We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
