Swine flu. Run for my life!
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
