Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
In other news, I just burned my penis
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
