I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize