Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
