Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
