He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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