4 words: hood of his car
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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