Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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