I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
