sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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