its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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