Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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