Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
