If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
