Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
