nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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