My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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