he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
