I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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