I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
We need to rekindle our bromance
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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