if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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