My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
