i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
