____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize