beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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