ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Small penises have feelings too.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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