Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I don't deserve a penis
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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