i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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