Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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