Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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