Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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