My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Randomize