He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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