I have demons in me.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
