Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
