I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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