I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
