I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
