i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
