I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
