he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Never underestimate the power of titties
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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