Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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