then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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